i was really influenced by a book that said, something along the lines of "you'll find angles in the strangest of places, theyre not really babies with wings but they could even be bums in an alleyway" (complete paraphrase though he did use the word "bums"). so yesterday, i think i found angels in the last place that i would think... a college fellowship.
yeah, i know its kinda weird that i should say that, especially if you dont know my attitude towards things like that. and if this post makes me seem prideful, arrogant, and cynical then an accurate portrait of who i am without Christ has just been painted. enjoy.
anyways... if you dont know, ive had this resentment towards church culture, especially when it came to youth functions. for me, theres always been tension within the room, ESPECIALLY when it came to asian fellowships. idk if its just me, but it seems like everyone (def including myself) tries to gain an identity over, outdo, or make their presence known to others in the midst of their Christian peers. Especially when theres a new guy involved, whether im the new guy, its some new kid from the city, or a cute girl that a friend brings. there always seems to be a tug-of-war for attention. perfect example; im at a fellowship and we're just about to sing a few songs, and i see the guy with a guitar. first off im like "agh, this sqaure thinks he can play, i wish i could school him right now. you know, i could probably play a lot better too. these people better not be impressed" (ok, kind of an exaggeration, but im trying to give you the idea). secondly, i think " ima sing really loud, just so people can hear me and know that i know this song". yuup, thats me.
this may seem like a tangeint, but ive been getting really axious when i hear people say "Jesus", or "amen", or any form of showing public agreement to what someone's saying. idk, sometimes i feel like their being fake and that Jesus' name has just become something that we dont shudder over. this will make sense later on, trust me (;
anyways, back to the fellowship thing. my cynicism for the church has kind of subsided but i always feel weird around churchy people that i dont know too well. i wonder how much action they take to bring change and sow seeds, how much they sacrafice for God, and (especially when their my age) if theyre just Christian because that's what mom and dad did. identity seems so imprtant to the church today, more on that next time though.
so my friend invites me to this fellowship, and i agree to go because i thought itd be good for her since shes starting to get into all this church stuff. i figure, i'll go this week anddd... that should be good enough. they probably wont have much to offer me (<--geez im a jerk) and she'll be able to go on her own soon too. "cant wait for the worship part because they'll see me singing songs that they would know if they went to church". but God likes to surprise me.
i walk into a room with about 15-20 people in it, awkward stares and introductions. got some chips and stuff and sat down. felt the normal nerviousness of a new crowd. then we started up by singing hymns (im not a fan, just to say) and i barely new them. eventhough they were hymns (that i didnt know at all btw), they decided to discuss in a really informal fashion. theres a lot of small, unique experiences here so if you want the full details, just ask i guess because its a little too much to write. i'll make them known with this asterisk*
but my initial thoughts were... "i can wait until we get into the Bible study, and i hope we share. i CANT WAIT to show them my knowledge and depth of insight, not to mention my eagerness to serve God. i bet they'll be amazed at all the things that i do in the city and the people i know". just so you know, i dont think in words and i dont talk to myself, but that illustrates my intentions quite well.
but God wasnt gonna have any of that. the things that the fellowship did as a corporate body* we'rent exactly my cup of tea but the lesson made be burn inside. God decided to adress some of my deepest problems of love, apathy, superstiton, and immorality. i'd explain them, but thats for another time. but long story short, i have a heart of stone (and no, im not being too critical of myself). the text of the handout* that i normally would critique became more like a sepina. as if God was reading off all thats wrong with my heart in court or something. the one that made my chest drain was the verse at the top of this post. its a verse full of hope, but i realized that i need that heart of flesh, weak, vulnerable, and sensitive to God and others. not this stone one that seemed to come with this church shell ive made up for myself.
sometime during that fellowship, it occured to me that the tension that ive felt in other Christian circles seemed to be absent. im not saying that this fellowship was exceptionally great, God alone is. The people there just seemed to be really genuine, no other way to describe it. i still had an issue with how they would say "amen" and "Jesus" a lot but that brings me to the next point.
i dont know whats on their hearts, God alone does. maybe their completely genuine, maybe theyre fake. but thats between them and God. but throughout the time, a mute spirit seemed to have power over me.
im not blaming the Christian circles of my past but the way we discussed scripture and ideals seemed to be very dry and lifeless. no "amens", no "yes Jesus", no "right ons" no "you go girls". so i when i hear it, im already under the assumtion that their saying these public agreements ouside of the Truth. i let my sin and insecurities affect my relationship to the Church. and really, i forgot how encouraging it is to agree with a brother or sister, or to be agreed with. i couldnt say amen, i couldnt say anything to agree. i could have said something in agreement with something said there but, again, that mute spirit (im not getting all oogie-boogie on you now) seemed to take over me.
but i have to say, it was a unqiue, awkward, but good experience. im not a particular fan of hymns or loud, corporate, readings* but i feel like God was really humbling me. ive just become too prideful, too arrogant, thinking i have answeres and convictions that these churchies cant even bare. but they have something beautiful that i cant bare, a tongue that praises God without shame and come to agree with one another. i hope i feel that unstoppable urge soon, to shout "amen" or "yes Jesus" without feeling like a (self-rihgteous) hypocrite.
as a church, if we hear soemthing that we agree with and we feel that fire, we got to say something. and if theres nothing being said in church that brings that fire to our ears and souls, we have to rethink what the church is saying.
but the bottom line so far is that Gos is good (amen?), and He's been with me as i just try to do away with narcissism and selfishness. im quite sure thats why i feel so dead inside (no emo) eventhough im actually around a lot of good people. one day, i might figure out what love means, not that mtv, joanie loves chachi, i <3u4everrr luv, but this kind of love.:
" If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. " 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
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