For More Than a Feeling, For More Than a Cause

"When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them." Acts 2: 1-4

Idk what it is about the youth of today, but it seems like we all like to get high, in someway or another.

Yeah, i was a pothead at church for haloween one year, dont hate. but back to my point that most, if not everyone, is out to get high, whether its via marijuana, crack, alcohol, soda, or even a full night of sleep. its a big challenge in highschool to try to resist all these temptations, especially when every lightweight talks about how drunk or high they got the night before. and seeing some of these guys when theyre high makes you wonder why they even do it. all the fun and wrecklesness that youd think theyd have (or what theyd say theyd have) just isnt there.

then you have some of those mean drunks, the ones who drink a little and get really irritating. and you know that its not really them talking, its what they consumed talking. either that, or their just being fake, which makes it all the more irritating.

and what's the good lil Christian response to this? its a big no no. why is it so bad? most of us cant even answer that. we just say that its bad and move on with our lives. there are a lot of reasons why seeking highs through substance abuse is bad. it brings you euphoric joy in something other than the Grace of God amongst other reasons, but thats for another topic. but lets be real here, even us Christians will try to get that dopamine flowing in our system.

To me, there was no better feeling than that last day of my first week at Christian camp. it was this thing called baayf, where a bunch of asian churches got toghether and roughed it out in our bathroom-less cabins (unless you we're an older girl, which i was never). they played blessed be your name and i just felt compelled to lift my hands and something took over me; brought me to tears and all that good stuff. next year came by, and it happened again. it was great. after all the mess i had to endure at school and everything, it was a moment of sweet release when i got up to that altar.

then year 3 came around. i just read shane claibornes book, and i couldnt see things the same. all of the church culture started to get under my skin. i started to notice that i would just go to get that high, go home and try to fan the flame until it dies. i started to judge the people there on their sincerity because of my own dishonesty. started to be jealous of the guys who came just to pick up on girls just because i couldnt, so i told myself that i wasnt there for that, i told myself im there for God alone. but it grew worse.

i try to get the highs through prayer, through worship, through all of that. but no ambient lighting or cinematics can take the place of the real Spirit of God that showed up in Acts. i tried worshiping harder, praying harder, but all i wanted was that high.

the emptiness just ate away at me. no more highs with my knees bowed, no more rushes with my hands raised. no more warmth from the words of others. only a cold deadness and resentment to those who could get high. i started to think that they were faking their drunkness, that they just wanted to be cool and have something to talk about after it was all over; that was all i wanted.

even at a huge convention i couldnt feel God. the words brought out no amens, the altar drove out no tears. a mute spirit overtook my mouth, and my spirit started to show lepers spots.

in calibornes book, he talks about this thing called "spiritual leprosy". with physical leprosy, the nerve cells in a person's body dies and they no longer feel. so when they bump into things or hurt themselves, they feel no pain and their limbs become damaged and eventually fall off. spiritual leprosy is that very thing, except with our spirits. just as physical leprosy victimizes the poor and outcast; physical leprosy attacks the rich and comfortable. my spirit just couldnt feel.

it came to a point where i tried everything, my spirit built resistence to spiritual highs just as a drug addict gets too used to the drug that theyre taking; they need more of it to get that high. and i didnt just want that high for a little while, i wanted it all the time. now whats wrong with that? wanting that fire for God all the time? im just beginning to learn.

i've seemed to belittle the Spirit of God, in a completely foolish manner. i called for the spirit to fall on me when i was alone on my knees in bed. i called for God to make the Spirit move when im alone with my guitar, i just wanted that high. i called for it while i was at school so i wouldnt care about the alcohol, drugs, or parties. i wanted a better high, something to keep me away from all of that. so i can say that my high is better, thats why im a Christian, thats why i go to church.

my friends, it isnt so. God's Spirit doesnt come just to get you high. He comes for a purpose, He comes to shake foundations and revive the weary. not just to give you a story and to fill you with an unexplainable feeling, but to anoint and convict. and He doesnt just come in that kind of fullness whenever because He's too intense; "But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live." (Exodus 33:20). how much more intense is the Spirit of God than too much alcohol or too much heroin? God is always present but His Holy Spirit comes to fill us when we gather or act with a purpose. Theres many other reasons why we aren't always filled, and id love to talk about it over some coffee or food. haha. anyways.

the mystery if the Holy Spirit is a deep and vast one, this is by no means AT ALL a full description of it. but if im going to say anything now, its to live for more than to get high; but we need to live in sober humility and just focusing on living a pure and righteous life. and when the time comes, God will fill us. dont ask for the Spirit to merely get high; ask because you want to build the kingdom, ask because you want to see lives transformed, ask because you want to see the youth anointed, ask because you want to see the old respected, ask because you want to see the weary renewed, ask because you want to see Christ lifted high, all of this amongst all the other good and excellent reasons.

So whether youre high or not, live with a purpose. dont be a fool like me and judge others when youre in need of a high you cant get, but take the plank out of your eye first; you dont know what theyre going through. pray, worship, and live with a purpose.

" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Angles in Strange Places

"And I will sprinkle clean water upon you, and you will be clean; from all your filthiness and from your idols I will cleanse you. I will also give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take away the heart of stone out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:25-27

i was really influenced by a book that said, something along the lines of "you'll find angles in the strangest of places, theyre not really babies with wings but they could even be bums in an alleyway" (complete paraphrase though he did use the word "bums"). so yesterday, i think i found angels in the last place that i would think... a college fellowship.

yeah, i know its kinda weird that i should say that, especially if you dont know my attitude towards things like that. and if this post makes me seem prideful, arrogant, and cynical then an accurate portrait of who i am without Christ has just been painted. enjoy.



anyways... if you dont know, ive had this resentment towards church culture, especially when it came to youth functions. for me, theres always been tension within the room, ESPECIALLY when it came to asian fellowships. idk if its just me, but it seems like everyone (def including myself) tries to gain an identity over, outdo, or make their presence known to others in the midst of their Christian peers. Especially when theres a new guy involved, whether im the new guy, its some new kid from the city, or a cute girl that a friend brings. there always seems to be a tug-of-war for attention. perfect example; im at a fellowship and we're just about to sing a few songs, and i see the guy with a guitar. first off im like "agh, this sqaure thinks he can play, i wish i could school him right now. you know, i could probably play a lot better too. these people better not be impressed" (ok, kind of an exaggeration, but im trying to give you the idea). secondly, i think " ima sing really loud, just so people can hear me and know that i know this song". yuup, thats me.

this may seem like a tangeint, but ive been getting really axious when i hear people say "Jesus", or "amen", or any form of showing public agreement to what someone's saying. idk, sometimes i feel like their being fake and that Jesus' name has just become something that we dont shudder over. this will make sense later on, trust me (;

anyways, back to the fellowship thing. my cynicism for the church has kind of subsided but i always feel weird around churchy people that i dont know too well. i wonder how much action they take to bring change and sow seeds, how much they sacrafice for God, and (especially when their my age) if theyre just Christian because that's what mom and dad did. identity seems so imprtant to the church today, more on that next time though.

so my friend invites me to this fellowship, and i agree to go because i thought itd be good for her since shes starting to get into all this church stuff. i figure, i'll go this week anddd... that should be good enough. they probably wont have much to offer me (<--geez im a jerk) and she'll be able to go on her own soon too. "cant wait for the worship part because they'll see me singing songs that they would know if they went to church". but God likes to surprise me.

i walk into a room with about 15-20 people in it, awkward stares and introductions. got some chips and stuff and sat down. felt the normal nerviousness of a new crowd. then we started up by singing hymns (im not a fan, just to say) and i barely new them. eventhough they were hymns (that i didnt know at all btw), they decided to discuss in a really informal fashion. theres a lot of small, unique experiences here so if you want the full details, just ask i guess because its a little too much to write. i'll make them known with this asterisk*

but my initial thoughts were... "i can wait until we get into the Bible study, and i hope we share. i CANT WAIT to show them my knowledge and depth of insight, not to mention my eagerness to serve God. i bet they'll be amazed at all the things that i do in the city and the people i know". just so you know, i dont think in words and i dont talk to myself, but that illustrates my intentions quite well.

but God wasnt gonna have any of that. the things that the fellowship did as a corporate body* we'rent exactly my cup of tea but the lesson made be burn inside. God decided to adress some of my deepest problems of love, apathy, superstiton, and immorality. i'd explain them, but thats for another time. but long story short, i have a heart of stone (and no, im not being too critical of myself). the text of the handout* that i normally would critique became more like a sepina. as if God was reading off all thats wrong with my heart in court or something. the one that made my chest drain was the verse at the top of this post. its a verse full of hope, but i realized that i need that heart of flesh, weak, vulnerable, and sensitive to God and others. not this stone one that seemed to come with this church shell ive made up for myself.

sometime during that fellowship, it occured to me that the tension that ive felt in other Christian circles seemed to be absent. im not saying that this fellowship was exceptionally great, God alone is. The people there just seemed to be really genuine, no other way to describe it. i still had an issue with how they would say "amen" and "Jesus" a lot but that brings me to the next point.

i dont know whats on their hearts, God alone does. maybe their completely genuine, maybe theyre fake. but thats between them and God. but throughout the time, a mute spirit seemed to have power over me.

im not blaming the Christian circles of my past but the way we discussed scripture and ideals seemed to be very dry and lifeless. no "amens", no "yes Jesus", no "right ons" no "you go girls". so i when i hear it, im already under the assumtion that their saying these public agreements ouside of the Truth. i let my sin and insecurities affect my relationship to the Church. and really, i forgot how encouraging it is to agree with a brother or sister, or to be agreed with. i couldnt say amen, i couldnt say anything to agree. i could have said something in agreement with something said there but, again, that mute spirit (im not getting all oogie-boogie on you now) seemed to take over me.

but i have to say, it was a unqiue, awkward, but good experience. im not a particular fan of hymns or loud, corporate, readings* but i feel like God was really humbling me. ive just become too prideful, too arrogant, thinking i have answeres and convictions that these churchies cant even bare. but they have something beautiful that i cant bare, a tongue that praises God without shame and come to agree with one another. i hope i feel that unstoppable urge soon, to shout "amen" or "yes Jesus" without feeling like a (self-rihgteous) hypocrite.

as a church, if we hear soemthing that we agree with and we feel that fire, we got to say something. and if theres nothing being said in church that brings that fire to our ears and souls, we have to rethink what the church is saying.

but the bottom line so far is that Gos is good (amen?), and He's been with me as i just try to do away with narcissism and selfishness. im quite sure thats why i feel so dead inside (no emo) eventhough im actually around a lot of good people. one day, i might figure out what love means, not that mtv, joanie loves chachi, i <3u4everrr luv, but this kind of love.:

" If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. " 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Fighting for Christ

^"15Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world." -1 John 2:15-16

so ive been into the mma scene for a while now, but like the verse says, only men of the world boast about what they have and do, so i assure you that none of the experiences that im about to share are attempts to try to tell you how good i am or the wisdom i have, quite the opposite actually.

pretty neat, huh? in mma, the dominant styles include boxing, wrestling, muay thai, kickboxing(whiteman muay thai), and jiu-jitsu. most of the country, especially east of the mississippi train in wrestling and boxing (you can blame the state of pennsylvania and colleges like Ohio state for that).







but here on the west coast, we're a little bit more ethnic. though there are a lot of boxing places, and every big highschool school has a wrestling team, we got some heavy influence from brazil and thailand.









and though its not really my passion, i want to talk a little bit about muay thai. the images will be used more sparingly, just want to give you an idea of what these things are.


for the most part, muay thai training is pretty good. the instructor will usually tell you to find a partner and give you a combination to pull off on thai pads or focus mits (i.e. jab, cross, left hook, right knee, right knee, left kick). its simple to understand, gives people something to talk about, and is quite a workout. really good for the kids who have too much energy and just want to hit stuff. i liked it at first; going through the basics, learning how to cross, hook, and stand correctly. but lately, i feel like ive been just going through the motions. when im given a combo, i feel like i know this stuff already but i still feel like a novice when im doing the actual combo, and totally lost when im in the ring.



in terms of the types of punches, kicks, knees, and elbows, i know about 75% of what the pros do. but if i were to fight a pro my weight, it would be game over right away unless the guy has some pity on me. so how is it that i know so much, but can perform so little in the heat of a fight?

the most recent coach that joined our team said something interesting. he told us that we still cant use the things that enn(a world champion fighter) is teaching us because we lack the techinique and the basics. we're doing stuff that we're not ready for, so no wonder it feels so monotonous hitting thai pads and heavy bags. and without the technique, we're just slugging like theres no tomorrow so fatigue sets in, the efficiency just isnt there.

fatigue occurs when you try to use too much force and not enough technique. if you have good technique, you can land effective strikes accurately without excessive force. if you have bad technique, you'll tire yourself out because of all the force you use on strikes that you dont even land due to sloppyness.

not only on offense, but if you have no technique in defending yourself, youre going to get hit like crazy and will have no chance (or will) to fight back. we can act like we know what we're doing, and some "fighters" might look really good working the bags or training with the thai pads and mits. but our fighting skills dont even compare with those whove been training just as long in thailand.

what we have here in america is more like those tai bo dvds.
in case you cant read the caption on the dvd at the bottom it says "fun, safe, easy to learn". yup, aint it great? all the calorie burning goodness and the excuse to buy some gloves. not to mentions keith cook's gnarly haircut. but on the reals, theres nothing real about this. i know there are places in the city that train muay thai foreal and my gym is pretty good with that for sure. but im tired of this tai bo stuff.

to be honest, i really cant stand the kids who think that just because they have the gloves, rock the shorts and anklets, and hit some pads on weekday nights call themselves "fighters". not to be judgmental because i dont know whats in their hearts but really now. muay thai in places like thailand is a way of life. people live, breath, eat, and sleep muay thai. they wake up in the morning to run, smash coconuts and kick trees, shadowbox before they start on the strikes, train combos for hours, then onto knee sparring and fighting. im not going to make any judgments on who the real fighters are, but think about it.

you knew this was coming, but a lot of the same goes for Christianity in america. at a lot of churches, they'll give you a combo a couple of times a week to get "better" they'll tell you stuff like "pray more", "stop lying", "feed someone hungry". these are all good things, but its just like hitting pads. you might get a little "better", but it doesnt make you a fighter. we end up going through the motions to only obtain a label and conversation starters. we learn about the Cross, the hook, and the stance of Christians but not necessarily the technique in which we can effectively use them. Christianity shouldnt be "fun, safe, and easy to learn", it should be exciting, dangerous, yet simple. no more of this tai bo Christianity, i need real training.

maybe thats what paul meant when he said "¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. " all those things, tongues, prophesy, and powerful faith are all things that we try to have, the thai pad combos of Christianity if you will. but we dont know the technique of love, the footwork of the Great Commission that make the thai pad work less effective

just like in muay thai, the monotony i feel of everyday life stems from the fact that im trying to do things that i cant use. listening to sermons, music worship, community activism dont seem to fufil what i expect because i dont know the basics, i havnt lived, breathed, eaten, and slept Christ. i havnt trained Christianity like the pros do, i was a victim to the thai pads and heavy bags of it. thinking that reading Scripture once a night and praying when i remember to is enough to live a life worthy of the calling of Christ.

im tired of slugging out prayers like thers no tomorrow and feeling that fatigue. using too much sloppy force when the technique of love and justice is there to learn. im thinking i can whale Christianity into people's hearts with power while they simply just block, making my attempts damaging to myself. its too easy to get tired as a Christian nowadays when we dont have that technique and it leaves us vulnerable to get knockedout by evil.

like the fighters in thailand, we as Christians in america need to train (not as if but) because Christ is our lives. we need to learn the technique of love thoroughly before we start fighting and calling ourselves fighters. just because we have the Cross, rock the t-shirts, and give up our sundays doesnt make us the Christians that we think we are. there must be training every day in our lives. just as a true fighter doesnt just spend a couple of days in teh gym we shouldnt spend only a couple of days in God's house.

it seems like the minute that i am in the cage "against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6: 12b) im quick to fatigue once my adrenaline dropps. i used to stand confused about why i cant be a real Christian, to be able to cast out demons and prophesy thats for the fighters. the music worship and the sermons, also seem for the fighters. i need to train hard and get scarred with the basics; the life, death, and resurrection of Christ and His commands of love to those who follow Him. then i'll be able to pull off those combos and take out demons in the cage.

but until then, i'll still stride towards Christ. the last thing anyone should do is take this as a discouragement to their faith since its not about where you are with Christianity but where you're headed with Christ. Christ didnt tap out on the cross, he could have easily stopped it all and called on his army of angels. but He held on until the end, knowing that a victory would win our lives. its all about learning to love in Christ, now go train.

what's possible with God

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:14

so i didnt know about urbana 09 until it was too late for me to rack up the cash for it, but i did get to listen to some of the sermons that are up on vimeo. if you dont know what it is, its a big conference that is geared towards college kids where they have seminars, worship, and speakers. the one that made me think about who we are as evangelists in the Body of Christ is this guy:

oscar muriu, a pastor from nairobi, kenya who talked about money and power in his sermon at urbana. you should chek it out before reading this. he touched on a lot of key issues and answered some of my tough questions about the life of Christ and God's decisions, both indirectly and directly.

but of all the things that came to mind, one thing that resonates in me is how God shows His omnipotetence through the life of Christ. some of the questions that i eventually had a small but meaningful revelation that lead to the answer were these: why didnt God make Christ a man of power and prestige, someone who warriors and nobles could rally behind instead of fishermen and tax collectors? and why didnt God take Christ down from the cross?








the first part of mariu's sermon hit hard. i had the same thoughts. why didnt God send Jesus as a man of political, military, or financial power? why werent there flashing lights, billboards, and news cameras at His arrival? i remember what drew me to the wwe(f) was the sparks and all that other blinding and expensive stuff when guys like shawn michaels and rey mysterio came out to there theme songs. The birth of Christ lacks that power, that prestige, that excitement in the Gospel that we read.

why didnt God do that? why didnt He shut off all the ligts of the earth and play His song while His son descended through sparks and illuminated clouds? think of how many people would believe? when Christ asked his disciples "Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" (Matthew 26:53) why didnt he just do it? most of all, when those who were mocking him said to "come down from the cross and save yourself!" (Mark 15:30) why didnt He just come down? even those haters would have believed. why didnt God open the sky and say "STOP! THIS IS MY SON!!!!" to all the high priests, pharisees, and roman soldiers when they we're crucifying Him? didnt Christ say that EVERYTHING possible with God? then why the flesh? why the life of suffering? why the flogging? why the cross? tough questions that i carried for a long time.

it is true, as "Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."" (Luke 18:27). but one has to understand that it was possible for God to send the angels and take His son off the cross. but how is it possible that an all powerful God, God Himself, confined Himself to flesh? it is more impossible for a God of all comfort to live a life of earthly suffering. that God would decide not to call upon His angels to save Him. more impossible that Christ would willingly die a hellish death for His creation.

how many the stories that are out there in which a god comes to earth with military and physical dominance. our God isnt just some god, He shows how He does the impossible through His Son. to me, it is a given that our God can do all the spectacular things that would make fireworks look like birthday candles but what seems impossible is that God, who was in all the comforts of heaven; angels waiting on and glorifying Him, would step down and become a man as

"He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not." (Isaiah 53:2-3)

God made the impossible possible. He saved us.